


I Feel Like I'm Not Myself

by CaptainWeasley



Series: It's Never Just Drinks [3]
Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-20
Updated: 2017-02-20
Packaged: 2018-09-25 17:21:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9833429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainWeasley/pseuds/CaptainWeasley
Summary: Caitlin and Julian run into each other at S.T.A.R. Labs.Written after 03x12.





	

It was around four in the afternoon when the whole team came together at S.T.A.R. Labs. Julian looked like he had only just arrived from the CCPD, he was in the process of taking off his jacket when Caitlin entered the room. 

He caught her eye and the whole world seemed to vanish for a few seconds. Caitlin bit her lip, trying to act casual in front of the others. She wasn't really comfortable with everyone knowing that there was something going on between her and Julian, at least not as long as she herself wasn't exactly sure what that something was. 

Fortunately, nobody seemed to notice that she was staring at Julian, remembering everything that had happened the night before, and this morning... Caitlin bit her lip again. She knew she should concentrate on the discussion that was going on in the room, but the voices of the others seemed like nothing but white noise. 

Caitlin forced herself to look at Cisco, away from Julian. Heavens, this was embarrassing! She couldn't even think straight with Julian in the room. 

"Caitlin?" 

The sound of her name jolted her out of her thoughts abruptly. 

"Mh?" 

"Well?" 

Barry was looking at her like she was supposed to have some kind of answer, and she probably should. 

"What was the question?" 

Barry had that worried look in his eyes. Caitlin was certain he would ask her if everything was okay, and then he was sure to realize that something was off. Caitlin had never been a great actress. 

"Can you synthesize an antidote?" 

Now everyone was looking at her. Caitlin wished she could melt into the wall behind her. She liked people listening to her, but only when what she had to say was actually relevant, not when she had no idea what was going on and was making a fool of herself. 

"Antidote?" 

She wished Julian would leave the room, and at the same she feared nothing more than him leaving her alone. 

"Caitlin, are you okay?" 

Cisco sounded seriously worried. 

"Yes! Yes, I'm fine. What were you saying about an antidote?" 

Cisco explained what they needed her to do, and fortunately, Caitlin was able to concentrate on what he was saying this time, if only because she was afraid of looking like an idiot again. 

"Yeah, I think that’s possible," she finally said. "I'll be in my lab." 

She practically fled the room, and leaned against a wall in the hallway, taking a deep breath. 

"Are we sure that's the real Caitlin, and not some meta-impostor, or something?" 

Cisco was speaking quietly, but his voice carried into the hall nonetheless. 

"I'll go check on her," Julian said, and Caitlin felt a strange mix of happiness, anger and embarrassment. 

She waited for him where she was, motioning for him to be quiet as soon as he came into view. This was not a conversation she wanted to have somewhere everyone could hear her. 

As soon as the door of the lab closed behind them, Caitlin whipped around, her carefully composed neutral facial expression forgotten. 

"You're distracting me! It's—it's humiliating! I don't think I've ever blanked like that!" 

"Sorry," Julian said. "But I don't think I can avoid being in the same room as you when we're both working for "Team Flash", or whatever we're calling it." 

Caitlin was pacing up and down the room, deeply agitated, while Julian was leaning against one of the tables. 

"I know, of course you shouldn't avoid being in a room with me! That would be ridiculous." 

"You're angry at me." 

"No, I'm not." Caitlin paused for a moment, looking at him, then continued her pacing. "I'm angry at myself! For letting you distract me, for not making more of an effort to focus when the others were talking, for being in l—" 

She cut herself off just in time, but from the look on Julian's face it was clear that he was drawing the right conclusion. She took a deep breath. 

"I should have my emotions under control, and I clearly don't, and that's why I'm angry." 

"Why?" 

"Why _what?_ " She snapped at him furiously. 

"Why should you have your emotions under control?" 

Caitlin started pacing again. 

"Were you not paying attention over the last few weeks? You know what happens when I lose control of my emotions? I turn into _her!_ " She grabbed her necklace and held it up to his face. "You think I'm wearing this just because it's so pretty?" 

Julian frowned. 

"You ever considered that maybe the fact that you keep your emotions under control at all times could be precisely the reason _why_ your alter ego has so much power over you in the first place? If you actually dealt with your feelings instead of pushing them so deep down—" 

Caitlin interrupted him angrily. 

"I don't need you telling me how to handle my own emotions!" 

"Of course not. I'm just the guy who makes you unable to hold a basic conversation while I'm in the room." 

Caitlin gasped. 

"Oh, that is low. That is so low. And you know what, I _am_ angry at you! What gives you the right to stand there all gorgeous and make me think about the things that happened and use that mouth of yours to argue with me instead of—" 

Again, she didn't finish her sentence, but Julian's facial expression was proof enough that she had said too much. 

"Please, just shut up!" 

Julian raised his eyebrows. 

"I didn't say anything." 

Caitlin exhaled, then sat down on the table next to Julian, suddenly too tired to stay angry. 

"Julian, what the hell am I doing?" 

She looked at him. Her feelings were a confusing mess, and her tried-and-true approach of bottling them up and ignoring them didn't seem to be working all that well for once. 

"I feel like I'm not myself." 

"Because you can't hide from your emotions the way you usually do?" Julian's voice was unexpectedly kind. 

"Sounds about right." 

They looked at each other. 

"You want a hug?" 

"Yeah." 

Julian wrapped an arm around her and pulled her towards him, so that Caitlin could rest her head on his shoulder. 

"Sorry I'm such a mess." 

"You're a human person with human emotions. I don't think that really warrants an apology." 

Caitlin couldn't help but laugh. 

"Well, usually, I don't do human emotions. I'm sorry you had to see that." 

"Oh, I don't know. There was some stuff about me in there that I didn't mind hearing." 

Caitlin shuddered. 

"Please, don't remind me. At least, don't remind me until we're alone together this evening." 

"And tomorrow morning, maybe." 

Caitlin tried to groan in an annoyed kind of way, but the sound that actually came out of her mouth sounded lewd rather than annoyed. 

"How long is the no-kiss rule in effect, by the way?" 

"Oh, that's just in the morning, until I arrive at work. Didn't I tell you that?" 

"You didn't. So that means, I could kiss you now?" 

Caitlin couldn't help but smile. 

"Yes, but there are cameras in every single room of this buil— _Fuck!_ " 

She slipped out of Julian's embrace and slid off the table, taking a few steps towards one of the cameras. 

"Cisco, if you are listening, I swear I'm going to freeze you to death very slowly! That goes for all of you!" 

"You really think they would listen in on people's private conversations?" 

Caitlin turned back around to him. 

"It's one of those things we do around here. Until now I was usually one of the people listening, though," she confessed. "And I know it's wrong, don't lecture me." 

"I'm never discussing anything in here again that isn't strictly work-related." 

"I can't believe I forgot about those damn cameras. Come on, let's go back to the others. I've got some people to freeze to death." 

She leaned towards him to whisper into his ear. 

"Also, there's a blind spot out in the hall not far from here, in case you still want to kiss me." 

They grinned at each other. 

"Lead the way."


End file.
